Week 5 Wrap-up

This edition of the Weekly Wrap-up is brought to you in part by:

Blowoutville

This week in the league was not very pretty. In fact, it was straight-up fugly. That’s right, I said it. Fugly. It’s the week that lives in the bathroom in your basement, the week you never let out in sunlight for fear that your neighbors will think the end is finally here. Granted, it wasn’t ugly for all of the match-ups. My pick for Match-up of the Week turned out to be a close, down-to-the-wire match (totally called it). The Shittysauruses/Shenanihads match-up came all the way down to Monday night in a RB vs. RB/WR battle. But everywhere else in the league, things were just brutal. In the other four games, the winners beat the losers by a combined 183 points (or an average of 45.75 point differential per game). The ugliest of the bunch was the Roommate Bowl, where Juan’s Nerf Herders put the beatdown on Martin’s Atoms, winning by 73.6 points, scoring 2.26 times more points. In the Keep Changing Your Name Bowl, Andrew’s Boomers spanked Chris’ Bergers by 52.2 points. Cox’s Annexation gave Giant Octopus a nice big push down the hill as OCTO slides to 3-2. In my own match-up, my (on a roll champion) Pumaskulls scored a measly 75.3 points, ugly in its own right but still enough to beat Brett’s Fluffy Bunnies by over 20 points. The combined score for the game (127.1) was still under what Juan alone scored for the week. Fugly.

Standings-wise, things are still pretty tight all around the league. We have two teams leading their divisions with 4-1 records (both of which are new to fantasy football, go figure). Below them are five teams with 3-2, including a few of the early season power-houses. The good thing is that everyone is still in the mix, even the 0-5 HerpDerp Bergers can turn it all around with a streak. There’s still a lot of games left to be played so anything can happen. One interesting note is the differences in the two divisions. Every team in the West has scored over 500 points on the year so far, which averages out to at least 100 points per week (otherwise known as not-too-shabby). Out East, only one team has managed to top 500. However, out West each team has given up almost as many points as they’ve scored. It’ll be interesting to see if this trend continues. While the West seems to dominate offensively, only half the teams are currently over .500, while in the East 4 of the 6 have winning records.

Cirque de Bowe

It was another weird and crazy week in the NFL. The “Don’t Call us the Dream-Team” Eagles lost to the freaking Bills, who are rolling behind Fred Jackson. Jackson, as you will see below, leads the leagues RBs in points through five weeks, racking up three 20 point plus games. Elsewhere in the league, Adrian Peterson was determined to not be forgotten, scoring 3 TDs and leading the week in scoring overall. As I mentioned last week, we have yet to have a RB lead the week in scoring, so it only makes sense that AP would break through. There are a few other oddities around the NFL standings. Aside from the Bills being tied in first place with the Pats in the AFC East, we have the Redskins leading the NFC East, the 49ers sitting at 4-1 and the Lions still undefeated at 5-0. Armed with a new starting QB, the Colts looked poised to win their first game of the year, only to lose to the Chiefs on a bizarre circus catch by Dwayne Bowe (if you haven’t seen it, go YouTube it).

A few hundred miles away, Victor Cruz’s spider sense started tingling, notifying him that Bowe had just make a crazy catch, to which Cruz replied “That ain’t nothin’.” Cruz bobbled a long bomb from Eli Manning over two defenders before catching it with one hand and running it in for the score (if you haven’t seen it, again, YouTube it). The Giants still ended up losing to the Seahawks (my boys), even though I played the Giants D/ST and was rooting against them. Cruz had another monster game, putting him back in the spotlight after seemingly fading from memory last week.

Onto the points leaders…

Top 10 Players In-play for Week 5

1. Adrian Peterson[RB] (TGIF) – 30.2
2. BenJarvis Green-Ellis[RB] (SLNF) – 26.9
3. Fred Jackson[RB] (NWA) – 25.6
4. Dwayne Bowe[WR] (COX) – 24.8
5. Pierre Garcon[WR] (PHSH) – 24.5
6. Aaron Rodgers[QB] (PHSH) – 23.7
6. Cam Newton[QB] (SLNF) – 23.7
8. Jahvid Best[RB] (SHSR) – 23.2
9. Michael Vick[QB] (DMPS) – 21.6
10. 49ers D/ST (NWA) – 21

Season Points Leaders by Position

QB:
1. Aaron Rodgers (PHSH) – 138
2. Cam Newton (SLNF) – 128.4
3. Tom Brady (NWA) – 120.3
4. Drew Brees (TGIF) – 114.2
5. Matthew Stafford (FLUF) – 101.4

RBs:
1. Fred Jackson (NWA) – 101.2
2. LeSean McCoy (MEGA) – 97.3
3. Adrian Peterson (TGIF) – 90.7
4. Matt Forte (PHSH) – 90.5
5. Darren McFadden (FLUF) – 88.8

WRs:
1. Wes Welker (MEGA) – 105.9
2. Calvin Johnson (SHSR) – 99.1
3. Steve Smith (NYAN) – 76.9
4. Mike Wallace (OCTO) – 72.4
5. Greg Jennings (TGIF) – 68.8

TEs:
1. Jimmy Graham (COX) – 67.6
2. Rob Gronkowski (SHSR) – 62.7
3. Tony Gonzales (ATOM) – 52.9
4. Jermichael Finley (TGIF) – 48.1
5. Owen Daniels (PHSH) – 45.1

D/STs:
1. Ravens (SLNF) – 72
2. 49ers (NWA) – 61
3. Jets (ATOM) – 57
4. Lions (FLUF) – 50
5. Texans (TGIF) – 48

Ks:
1. Jason Hanson (FLUF) – 58
2. Sebastian Janikowski (SLNF) – 57
3. John Kasay (COX) – 52
4. Neil Rackers (TGIF) – 51
5. Mason Crosby (PHSH) – 49

Match-up of the Week: The Annexation of Puerto Rico vs. Scruffy Looking Nerf Herders

No question about this one. The two 4-1 teams face off in a battle of division leaders/FFB newbs. One will walk away with the top record in the entire league, the other will go down in a glorious fireball of disgrace. Should be interesting, everyone rooting against their division leaders. Let’s see if we can get some bets going (but leave the beards out of it!)

That’s all for this week. Make those waiver pick-ups. Good luck to everyone this week (especially Ash, who’s gonna need it to beat me! MUAHAHAHAHA!)

SEACREST OUT!

Week 4 Wrap-up

This edition of the Weekly Wrap-up is brought to you in part by:

Nobody’s Perfect

Not anymore. Week 4, among other things, brought upset loses to the league’s two undefeated teams, thus crushing Brett and Justin’s dreams of perfect seasons much like David Tyree’s helmet did to the Patriots a few years back. On the flip side, three of the four 0-3 teams got their first victories, two of which were especially sweet because they came against two of the best. Ash’s hard-luck Shittysauruses finally broke the spell and put a thumping on Eric’s elite TGIF squad, thanks to yet another impressive 2-TD performance by Calvin Johnson, including on last minute leaping grab that gave the Lions the lead over the Cowboys. (Quick side note: the Lions are now 4-0. That’s right….the Lions. And everyone made fun of Brett for drafting practically the whole team.)

Classic ‘Damn I’m Good’ pose.

Speaking of thumpings and upsets, how ’bout dem Shenanihads? Aaron Rodgers, with a tiny bit of help from the rest of Jim’s team, handed Giant Octopus their first loss of the season. Rodgers accounted for one-third of the points put up by the Shenanihads, and even though OCTO had another impressive 100 point plus scoring day, they still managed to lose by over 30 points. When your team starts 0-3, it feels good to get that first win, and when you blow out one of the teams leading the league? It’s so good it makes you feel downright dirty. Both of the upsetting teams (Shittysauruses and Shenanihads) meet this week, with Ash looking to continue rolling while Jim’s tries to sweep the Phillips’ household. Should be a good game, maybe worthy of the MotW…

Week 4’s Match-up of the Week proved to be the closest game, with Martin’s Atoms taking a 16 point victory to the bank and ruining Brett’s perfect season. The previously high-flying Fluffy Bunnies put up mediocre numbers, while the Atoms’ newest trade acquisition Beanie Wells put the team on his back, scoring 3 TDs and an impressive 31.8 points.

Elsewhere in the league, some first round picks had their first good performances of the year, giving some much needed justification for their high selections. Michael Vick put up 30.1 points, his best game this season, helping my (reinvigorated champion) Pumaskulls grab their first win of the season (sorry, Chris, I wish it didn’t have to be this way). Vick’s hand didn’t seem to be an issue, but the scare of injuries seems to be keeping him in the pocket, limiting his rushing game to only 75 yards. Four games into the year, he has scored a whopping zero rushing TDs, something I pray to Thor will change in the coming weeks. Arian Foster returned to action Sunday and scored 22 points, a weak performance compared to his shenanigans last year, but still a solid outing. We should see more from Foster as Ben Tate went down in the first quarter with an injury.

One strange sidenote before we get into the Week’s top performances, if you haven’t noticed, the top scorer in each of the first four weeks has yet to be a running back. Normally the RBs dominate the leaderboards, but aside from a handful of breakout games, it has mostly been dominated by QBs and Wes Welker. We’ll see if this trend continues into Week 5.

Top Performers

Top 10 Players In-Play
1. Aaron Rodgers[QB] (PHSH) – 45.9
2. Cam Newton[QB] (SLNF) – 32.5
3. Ravens D/ST (SLNF) – 32
4. Beanie Wells[RB] (ATOM) – 31.8
5. Michael Vick[QB] (DMPS) – 30.1
6. Matt Forte[RB] (PHSH) – 28.8
7. Josh Freeman[QB] (COX) – 24.2
8. Arian Foster[RB] (COX) – 22.6
9. Hakeem Nicks[WR] (OCTO) – 22.2
10. Wes Welker[WR] (MEGA) – 21.8

Season Points Leaders by Position

QBs:
1. Aaron Rodgers (PHSH) – 114.3
2. Tom Brady (NWA) – 105.1
3. Cam Newton (SLNF) – 104.7
4. Drew Brees (TGIF) – 93.8
5. Matthew Stafford (FLUF) – 86.6


RBs:
1. Darren McFadden (FLUF) – 82
2. LeSean McCoy (MEGA) – 80.6
3. Ray Rice (OCTO) – 77.9
4. Fred Jackson (NWA) – 75.6
5. Matt Forte (PHSH) – 75.4


WRs:
1. Wes Welker (MEGA) – 93.5
2. Calvin Johnson (SHSR) – 80.1
3. Steve Smith (NYAN) – 63
4. Mike Wallace (OCTO) – 57.4
5. Vincent Jackson (DMPS) – 55.5

TEs:
1. Rob Gronkowski (SHSR) – 59.6
2. Jimmy Graham (COX) – 54.7
3. Tony Gonzales (ATOM) – 46.9
4. Jason Witten (NYAN) – 42.6
5. Jermichael Finley (TGIF) – 41.4

D/STs:
1. Ravens (SLNF) – 72
2. Jets (ATOM) – 55
3. Lions (FLUF) – 45
4. Redskins (COX) – 41
4. Texans (TGIF) – 41

Ks:
1. Jason Hanson (FLUF) – 52
2. Dan Bailey (FA) – 49
3. Neil Rackers (TGIF) – 41
4. John Kasay (COX) – 39
4. Mike Nugent (FA) – 39

Onto Week 5…

Match-up of the Week

Picking the MotW was a bit tricky this week. There are a couple games that look to be pretty good. I mentioned the Shenanihads vs. Shittysauruses earlier. In the East division, the Atoms and Nerfherders face off to see who will stay atop the division. Out West, OCTO and Annexation battle for first place. But if I had to pick a match-up that should be a good tight game, it would have to be Mega Shark vs. TGIF. Both are top teams with deceptive 2-2 records. They’ve scored within .6 points of each other for the year, which should make it a close match. Winner will move into position to challenge first place while the loser will sink below .500.

Remember to put in your waiver picks tonight. Also, this is the first week with byes, so make sure you set your rosters accordingly. Should make match-ups a bit more interesting. Good luck to everyone (except fucking Brett, you’re going down, bitch).

Week 3 Wrap-up

This edition of the Weekly Wrap-up is brought to you in part by:


The Cliff

First off, I’m feeling pretty sick today (and not just because of the 0-3 start), so this is going to be a bit briefer and also (as you might have noticed) a bit later. But seeing as it’s free, I feel like shit, and my team is literally the worst ever, you bitches can just deal with it.

Anyway…we’re roughly a quarter through the regular fantasy season and the standing are starting to take shape. A little too much shape, it seems. Just like last season, there’s a weird sort of symmetry forming in the standings. If you haven’t looked for yourself, go ahead and check it out. I know three weeks in the chances of this happening aren’t too low, but it’s still odd. Four teams have hit rock bottom with 0-3 records. The other eight all have winning records. Six of the eight are at 2-1 while two teams are perfect at 3-0. And of course, each division looks exactly the same as the other. Weirdness…

After hearing that Padme is dead.

It was another strange week in the NF of L, nothing more strange than the Buffalo Bills coming back again Tim Brady’s Pats and moving on to a perfect 3-0 record. You probably heard that Brady threw as many interceptions yesterday than he threw all last year. Yet somehowBieber Brady still managed to put up 24 points which was good enough for sixth best QB of the week. Not to shaggy shabby. Brady threw a sure touchdown pass to our boy Ochocinco, who promptly dropped it (and that’s it for this week’s Bradycinco update). In Brady’s place a few other second/third tier QBs stepped up to have big games. Joe Flacco had over 21 points in the first quarter, including three touchdowns to rookie receiver Torrey Smith. Mark Sanchez, Matt Schaub and Eli Manning also put up 20+ scoring days. Of course, all four QBs spent the week on assorted benches (womp womp). It was also a good day for unknown receivers. In addition to Torrey Smith, the Giants’ Victor Cruz put up impressive numbers, prompting fantasy owners everywhere to ask “Who the hell is that?” No doubt these two will be picked up on waivers this week, although how much of an impact they’ll have going forward remains to be seen.

Introducing Torrey and Victor Who?

Onto the week’s top scorers:

Top 10 Players In-play:
1. Wes Welker[WR] (MEGA) – 35.6
2. Darren McFadden[RB] (FLUF) – 29.8
3. Ryan Mathews[RB] (COX) – 26.9
4. Drew Brees[QB] (TGIF) – 26.7
5. Jermichael Finley[TE] (TGIF) – 26.5
6. Tom Brady[QB] (NWA) – 24
7. Matthew Stafford[QB] (FLUF) – 23
8. Rob Gronkowski[TE] (SHSR) – 22.9
9. Calvin Johnson[WR] (SHSR) – 22.8
10. Aaron Rodgers[QB] (PHSH) – 22.2

Season Points Leaders

QBs:
1. Tom Brady (NWA) – 88.2
2. Drew Brees (TGIF) – 78.8
3. Cam Newton (SLNF) – 72.3
4. Matthew Stafford (FLUF) – 71.1
5. Aaron Rodgers (PHSH) – 68.4

RBs:
1. Darren McFadden (FLUF) – 69.7
2. LeSean McCoy (MEGA) – 69.4
3. Fred Jackson (NWA) – 59.8
4. Ray Rice (OCTO) – 58.9
5. Ryan Mathews (COX) – 57.3

WRs:
1. Wes Welker (MEGA) – 71.7
2. Calvin Johnson (SHSR) – 58.5
3. Mike Wallace (OCTO) – 49.7
4. Miles Austin (FLUF) – 47.1
5. Kenny Britt (TGIF) – 44.9

TEs:
1. Rob Gronkowski (SHSR) – 58.1
2. Jermichael Finley (TGIF) – 38.6
3. Dustin Keller (MEGA) – 36.9
4. Jimmy Graham (COX) – 35.5
5. Tony Gonzales (ATOM) – 35.3

D/STs:
1. Ravens (SLNF) – 40
2. 49ers (FA) – 38
3. Jets (ATOM) – 34
4. Lions (FLUF) – 30
5. Cowboys (SHSR) – 29

Ks:
1. Jason Hanson (FLUF) – 40
2. Neil Rackers (TGIF) – 36
2. Dan Bailey (DA) – 36
4. David Akers (NWA) – 32
5. John Kasay (COX) – 30

Match-up of the Week
Last week’s MotW between the brothers Phillips came down to the last game, and though it wasn’t as high scoring as most expected, it finished with the closest margin of any game this week, with Giant Octopus coming out on top. OCTO is now 3-0, but you can bet Mega Shark will be back in a few weeks for some sweet revenge.

This week the MotW moves from the West to the East in another battle of top dogs. While Martin’s Atoms are no longer undefeated, he has a chance to move into a tie with first place Fluffy Bunnies. But this will be no easy match for the Atoms, who scored the lowest point total in the league last week, as the Bunnies of Fluff are ranked number two in points scored overall. Will Brett’s beasts go to 4-0, or will Martin pull off the upset for a chunk of first place?

That’s it for this week. Make sure to set your waivers for tonight and keep those trade proposals coming! Good luck (even to Chris, who plays my (champion) Pumaskulls in a preview of this season’s toilet bowl).

Week 2 Wrap-up

This edition of the Weekly Wrap-up is brought to you in part by:

Ouchtown – Population: You, Bro

Week 2 is done, but its presence will be felt all season long. We got our first big-name season casualty in the form of Jamaal Charles’ torn ACL. RIP JC, we hardly knew ye. And though his first rounder went down, Andrew’s Aquacadets were still able to pull off an impressive victory over my (*sigh* champion….) Pumaskulls thanks to a rockin’ performance by Fred Jackson. We also saw Michael Vick go down with his first of possibly many injuries for the year. And while I already had no shot of coming back in my match-up, it was not good to see Vick walk off the field spitting blood or sitting on the bench staring off into La-La-Land. Miles Austin put up a monster game (the week’s top performance) before going down with a pulled hamstring. He’ll be out for about a month. Arian Foster played Sunday for a bit before his hamstring acted up again.

Otherwise, it was an impressive week in terms of scoring for most teams. Eight of twelve teams scored over 100 points, which is downright amazing given how many teams we have (and thus how the star players are stretched out). We’ve seen a ton of offense in the first two weeks, and while it’s likely to slow down a bit due to more injuries and fatigue as the season wears on, it’s encouraging (for most teams).

Last week’s MotW turned out to be quite the show, with TGIF and Giant Octopus going right down to the wire. And although TGIF had the top three scorers in the game, Giant Octopus won with consistency. Seven of nine positions scored in double digits, and paired with last week’s game (in which six of nine scored in double digits), it’s almost scary how good this team is all around. Sitting pretty at 2-0, it’s hard to argue that Giant Octopus is the team to beat.

However, GO isn’t alone atop the leaderboards. Just behind him is yet another Phillips brother coaching the always competing Mega Shark (also sitting pretty at 2-0). Mega Shark has scored the second most points in the two games so far, but what’s more impressive is that the teams they’ve beaten have been no slouches when it comes to scoring. Mega Shark also ranks third in points against, and has only scored a mere 22.5 points more than their opponents. But winning against top teams is what lands you in the Bo Bowl, and Mega Shark is on the prowl (or whatever it is sharks do).

Of course, the top team in terms of points scored against is none other than my (*wheeze* champion) Pumaskulls. We also rank dead last in points scored, making a deadly combination of suck. In terms of hard-luck teams of the early season, Ash’s Shittysaurus take the cake. Though they are ranked fifth in points scored, two close loses (including this week’s 2.2 point loss to Mega Shark) puts them at a deceptive 0-2. And last, a shout out to this week’s top scoring team, league newcomer Brett and his Fluffy Bunnies, who took their cue from their relatives in Monty Python’s Holy Grail and chewed everyone to death in the neck. The Bunnies had 3 of the top 10 scorers this week. Watch out for those cute little bastards…

Ochocinco changes # to QQ

It’s now time for our most popular feature this season: tracking Ochocinco’s progress in New England. It seems good ole eight-five is still in Tim Brady’s doghouse, though he did get a boost from last week by catching two passes instead of one (for a total of 45 yards). Whether it’s the coverage or the fact that Brady and Deon Branch are like peanut butter and bananas, it’s no fun times for Mr. Chad. During the game there was a nice shot of Ochocinco and Brady chatting on the sidelines, and although I couldn’t make out what they were saying, it was pretty obvious Chad was pleading his case for getting a few more targets, to which Brady replied with half-listen “Yeah, uh-huh, Target, great store, well, nice chatting with you, bud…” I’m sure Ochocinco will get more play soon, but he’s obviously not top-dog in Beantown, and we all know how 85 feels about that…

Now for Week 2’s top scorers and the rankings so far this season:

Top 10 Players In-play:
1. Miles Austin[WR] (FLUF) – 32.1
2. Tom Brady[QB] (NWA) – 29.2
2. Jeremy Maclin[WR] (MEGA) – 29.2
2. Vincent Jackson[WR] (DMPS) – 29.2
5. Adrian Peterson[RB] (TGIF) – 26.1
6. Fred Jackson[RB] (NWA) – 26
7. Matthew Stafford[QB] (FLUF) – 25.9
8. Darren McFadden[RB] (FLUF) – 24.3
8. Jahvid Best[RB] (SHSR) – 24.3
10. LeSean McCoy[RB] (MEGA) – 23.6

Top Scorers this season by position:
QB:
1. Tom Brady (NWA) – 64.2
2. Cam Newton (TGIF) – 57.3
3. Drew Brees (TGIF) – 52.1
4. Matthew Stafford (FLUF) – 48.1
5. Ryan Fitzpatrick (ATOM) – 47.5

RB:
1. LeSean McCoy (MEGA) – 49.3
2. Ray Rice (OCTO) – 42.5
3. Darren McFadden (FLUF) – 39.9
4. Matt Forte (PHSH) – 38.4
5. Fred Jackson (NWA) – 37.7

WR:
1. Miles Austin (FLUF) – 47.1
2. Kenny Britt (TGIF) – 45.1
3. Steve Smith (DMPS) – 43.4
4. Wes Welker (MEGA) – 36.1
5. Calvin Johnson (SHSR) – 35.7

TE:
1. Rob Gronkowski (SHSR) – 35.2
2. Aaron Hernandez (NWA) – 28.5
3. Dustin Keller (MEGA) – 28.2
4. Tony Gonzales (ATOM) – 27.5
5. Scott Chandler (FA) – 25.9

D/ST:
1. Jets (ATOM) – 35
2. Texans (NYAN) – 29
3. Lions (FLUF) – 26
3. 49ers (FA) – 26
5. Redskins (FA) – 22

K:
1. John Kasay (COX) – 24
1. Nick Folk (ATOM) – 24
3. Jason Hanson (FLUF) – 23
3. David Akers (NWA) – 23
5. Neil Rackers (TGIF) – 21

On to Week 3!

Match-up of the Week: Giant Octopus vs. Mega Shark
No surprises here, two top teams, both with perfect records, two brothers with a life-spanning rivalry, both team names based off the same monster movie, what more can you ask for? Will Justin’s Giant Octopus squad continue it’s domination over the league? Will Matt’s Mega Shark pull off another down-to-the-line victory? Stay tuned…

And remember waivers go through at midnight tonight, so grab those free-agents. And good luck to everyone in Week 3 (except Juan).

Week 1 Wrap-up

This edition of the Weekly Wrap-up is brought to you in part by:

Week 1 is in the books and was it ever a crazy one. We’ll get to all the craziness in a minute, but first I want to take a moment to talk about strategery.

There’s a lot of strategery in fantasy football, from drafting your team to setting your line-ups each week. You’ve got to consider the match-ups, injuries, who’s hot, who’s not. It’s not just about the players themselves but who they’re playing with, who they’re playing against. You read articles written by experts, check out the projections, weekly rankings. There are hunches you get that tell you to sit your stars and play your sleepers. You gather as much information as you can and let your brain make the right decision.

And sometimes, you need to tell your brain to STFU.

There’s a little saying in fantasy football: “Start your studs.” Last week I made the decision to bench my top-5 (stud) Bears D/ST (who was playing a top offense) in favor of the Chiefs D/ST, who had a much favorable match-up against the shitty Bills. I looked over the facts, analyzed said match-ups, and made the decision with an amount of confidence that I am now embarrassed about. In the end the Bills came out with their best Patriots impression and kicked the crap out of the Chiefs, meanwhile the Bears put up 19 points against the Falcons who could barely score anything. Who’d-a-thunk? But “start your studs” isn’t always the best advice. In another example of my failures as a strategerist, I started my stud Vincent Jackson and sat Steve Smith. VJax scored a very meh 3.1, while Steve Smith…well you probably already know.

The point is, start your studs, but sometimes sit your studs. Yes, this is pretty unspecific (and thus crappy) advice, but what can I tell you? Sometimes the best move is the move you don’t make. And sometimes not. There is only so much strategery that can come into play. The rest of it is just pure dumb luck.

And now to the week that was.

The exact moment when Martin’s heart broke.
It started off very predictably. The Saints and the Packers duked it out, putting up monster scores. It looked like Brees and Rodgers would end up with top fantasy scores for the week, and rightfully so. It came down to the wire, with the Saints attempting to air-mail Mark Ingram into the endzone for the tying score (and promptly failing). But then Sunday rolled around and everything got….weird. The Steelers looked like the Bills, the Bills looked like the Colts, the Colts looked like a 3rd string peewee football team. And the result, several players came out of nowhere to put up monster points for their fantasy teams. Some of these performances were expected, others not. I’ve compiled a list of the happenings this week in order from the easiest to predict down to the “what-the-fuck” department:
1a. That my (champion) Pumaskulls would put up the lowest score of Week 1: I feel dirty even referring to them as “champion” after that stinker, but let’s face it, we all knew this was coming (at least I did).
1b. Tim Brady and Drew Brees would put up monster numbers: no surprises here.
The only passes going Ochocinco’s way.
2. Chad Ochocinco would catch one pass for 14 yards while the two Patriot TEs scored a combined 30.9 points: turns out Tim Brady doesn’t really care for the old 85.
3. Ray Rice would justify his first overall pick status by beating up on the Steelers defense: As the previous Rice owner, and his first victim this season, I knew he was going to go big. But 26.9 points against (arguably) the best defense in football? Who knew he’d be that good? Looks like Justin did. Ray Ray scored more in the opener than he did in his first three games last season.
4. The Colts minus Peyton Manning are horrendous: you might be asking why this isn’t number 1. After all, anyone could have guessed that they would not be the same stellar offense with Kerry Collins behind the helm. But who knew that it would be that bad? Honestly, you did? Shut up, liar.
5. The top two scorers who weren’t QBs were WRs: The top RB of the week (Mike Tolbert) ranked #6 overall in points. He, of course, spent the week on the Shittysaurus’ bench, so all those lovely points pretty much amounted to rainbows and unicorn tears.
6. Out of the top 5 QBs for the week, only two of them were drafted as starters: the other three? Two went undrafted (Henne and Newton) and one was picked up in the 15th round (Fitzpatrick).
Week 1 MVP
7. The benches and free-agency would have so many top-scorers: If you look at the top 5 of each position (posted below), excluding kickers, out of 25 total players, 4 warmed the bench while 5 went undrafted. Out of the top 5 kickers, 3 of them went undrafted (but, being kickers, they don’t really count). [Side note: out of those 25 players, only three of them were first round picks.]
8. And perhaps the most unpredictable, out of the top 4 scorers overall, two of them were on the Panthers: one who went undrafted and one who sat on my bench like a rockstar. Who’d-a-thunk…
And now for the top scorers of Week 1:
Top 10 Players In-play
1. Tom Brady[QB] (NWA) – 35
2. Drew Brees[QB] (TGIF) – 29.1
3. Wes Welker[WR] (MEGA) – 28
4. Ray Rice[RB] (OCTO) – 26.9
5. 49ers D/ST (OCTO) – 26
6. LeSean McCoy[RB] (MEGA) – 25.7
7. Kenny Britt[WR] (TGIF) – 25.6
8. Aaron Rodgers[QB] (PHSH) – 24.6
9. Michael Vick[QB] (DMPS) – 23.2
10. Matthew Stafford[QB] (FLUF) – 22.2

Top 5 QBs
1. Tom Brady
(NWA) – 35
2. Chad Henne (FA) – 34.5
3. Cam Newton (FA) – 30.7
4. Drew Brees (TGIF) – 29.1
5. Ryan Fitzpatrick (ATOM) – 24.6

Top 5 RBs
1. Mike Tolbert
(SHSR) – 27.3
2. Ray Rice (OCTO) – 26.9
3. LeSean McCoy (MEGA) – 25.7
4. Matt Forte (PHSH) – 21.8
5. Cedric Benson (ATOM) – 18.3

Top 5 WRs
1. Steve Smith
(DMPS) – 29.8
2. Wes Welker (MEGA) – 28
3. Kenny Britt (TGIF) – 25.6
4. Calvin Johnson (SHSR) – 20.8
5. Reggie Wayne (FLUF) – 16.6

Top 5 TEs
1. Scott Chandler
(FA) – 18.3
2. Aaron Hernandez (NWA) – 16.3
3. Rob Gronkowski (SHSR) – 14.6
4. Jeff King (FA) – 12.1
4. Dustin Keller (MEGA) – 12.1

Top 5 D/STs
1. 49ers
(OCTO) – 26
2. Ravens (MF) – 21
3. Bears (DMPS) – 19
4. Texans (FA) – 18
5. Jets (ATOM) – 17

Top 5 Kickers
1. David Akers
(FA) – 15
2. Sebastian Janikowski (MF) – 13
2. Robbie Gould (FA) – 13
4. Josh Scobee (FA) – 12
5. Nick Folk (ATOM) – 11

Onwards to Week 2!
Now that Week 1 is over, it’s time to get the waiver war started. The waiver wire opens up tonight at midnight (I believe), so do your research and fill those holes (you whore). Remember to have multiple choices in case your first gets picked by me.

Match-up of the Week
This week’s MotW is not a hard choice. Giant Octopus and TGIF had the top two scores in Week 1, and are conveniently matched-up in Week 2. If anyone can be considered favorites so early in the season, it’s these two, yet one will have to go down in a blaze of glory. Who will it be?

 Good luck in Week 2 (except for Andrew, you’re going down). Remember to keep up the trash talk!

Pre-season Wrap-up

This edition of the Weekly Wrap-up is brought to you in part by:
It’s that time again, the time you’ve all been waiting for. No, not your birthday, not the day you get your tax return, certainly not the day when Natalie Portman shows up on your front door desperately needing to borrow some clothes. That’s right, it’s the start of the 2011-12 NFL season and Bo Knows II. It also means that your favorite league column (by default) is back! Welcome to season two of the Weekly Wrap-up.
You’ve drafted your dream team, come up with a list of team names using puns based on the players you have, ultimately went with the team name you had last year, and now you’re ready to sit back and be the best damn couch coach you can be.
For those of you who are new to the league (or who never checked the website last year), this is a weekly column (normally posted on Tuesdays) where I wrap-up the previous weeks games, matches and points. I try to keep my bias for my (champion) Pumaskulls to a minimum, but I can only hold back so much without going into straight-out denial. However, as last year’s champion, I’ve earned the right to do a little bragging/trash talking, so I will just say one word: REPEAT. Other than a few lame jokes and some commentary, this column is all about the cold hard facts. I will post the weekly leaders in points and keep track of the Top 5 points-leaders in each position.
To be honest, this isn’t going to be much of a pre-season wrap-up as the title indicates, seeing as how I watched approximately two minutes of pre-season football (just long enough to see Ryan Mathews make a sick 30-yard run and Larry Fitz make a sweet sideline grab, neither of which really helps me). So other than those two plays, I don’t really have much to go by. So instead, I decided to run with good old fashion SPECULATION! Woo!
 
Also back for the second year is the Match-up of the Week, where I single out a game to keep an eye on. This is usually based on standings, but sometimes a good ol’ rivalry will play into it. For Week 1’s MotW, while I am tempted to pick Giant Octopus vs. my (champion) Pumaskulls in a rematch of last years BO BOWL, I think it’s safe to say that every game is worthy. After all, this is where we will see which teams are talk and which teams are walk. So set those line-ups to stun, dress to impress, or whatever catchphrase tickles your fancy.
Now for the participatory section of the Pre-season Wrap-up: predictions! Below are a few things that will be determined through the course of the season. If you feel like it, and want some bragging rights for your awesome soothsaying abilities, reply to the post on the LEAGUE BOARDS (not here) with your predictions for each category.

-Top performer of the year (all positions):
-Biggest first round bust (aka The Ryan Grant/Mathews Award):
-Biggest sleeper (anyone picked outside the first three rounds, aka the Arian Foster Award):
-Bo Bowl Championship Match-up that doesn’t include your team (doesn’t have to be East vs. West either):
-Top kicker of the year:

Last, I would like to encourage everyone to actively engage in the trash-talking aspect of fantasy football. It’s almost as important as setting your lineup each week, but not quite (remember: set your lineup each week). Specifically, I’d love to see more trash-talk in the form of pictures, either Photoshop’d or well-timed memes. Be creative! Be ruthless! I know at least half of you have some Photoshop experience, so I expect good things from you. In addition to creative trash-talking and Photoshopping, creative whining is also encouraged. I’ll talk to Commissioner Phillips about getting a prize together, and at the end of the year we can vote on the best trash-talk, shop-job, cry-baby, whatever. But don’t do it for the prizes, do it for the glory!

 
(Your name here) in a few weeks…
That’s it for this week’s edition. Check back on Tuesday for the Week 1 Wrap-up. Also, if you have any suggestions for this, let me know. You’re (non-sexual) wish is (possibly) my command (as long as I don’t hate you). GLHF!